I wrote this blog, one night, in a sobbing fit. Angry..wishing I could eradicate my disorder. Wishing the pain would stop consuming me. Hoping people would understand that it's not about my anxiety or lack of trying. Trying to explain the reality of the world that many disabled humans live in. So while the words may not be perfectly written, my soul is in here. I hope it helps one person feel seen. You are not alone. Your pain is real and you are doing your best.
Some days I just want to give up. Some days I just wanted to end the pain, the burdens, the work and all I can do is just sit in an ableist society and watch my body deteriorate around it.
This world is not built for disabled people. This world is not empathetic enough for disabled people. Other people just see 5 minutes, or an hour of the struggle and they don't understand the pain and the depth of the pain that disabled people go through. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I wish I wasn't this way. I wish the pain would go away. I wish I was never born. I wish I never gave this to my children. I wish I could take care of myself. I wish I could do so much more than I can. I wish people were nicer and more empathetic and that the world saw how hard it is to navigate it, as a disabled person.
The world doesn't see the tears that fall on the struggles we face. The world just wants productivity and when your body doesn't want to give you that, how do you keep providing? How do you keep pushing through? How do you keep surviving? I wish we could all just band together and support each other. I wish I had a community. I wish people weren't so hell bent on proving that I'm not doing enough, or that I should push through, instead of saying it's okay to rest and it's okay to not do that and it's okay to not push through. That it's okay to not harm your body to prove that you can provide. I wish that the world was more grace-filled and allowed me to be a better mom, allowed me to rest and allowed me to be the best version of myself. I have to be what the world wants me to be.
I'm tired of over explaining it to everyone, because people think there's a fix to it! People try to give you solutions all the time, to help you solve your disability. As if you hadn't already thought of all of the ways already. As if you haven't sat and researched the 9,000 different ways that you could possibly fix yourself, so that everyone else would just believe how much you're trying.
No one wants to be disabled!! Nobody wants this life! Nobody wants to watch everything that they've worked hard for and everything that they have, slip through their fingers like a sand, because of their disability.
People think it's just a quick fix, of getting a wheelchair or braces or changing how you do things, or applying for a government program that doesn't actually help you survive! Meanwhile,your body is breaking down internally and it's raging against you and it doesn't care if you wanted to or how much research you've done, or what supplements you're taking, or what pills you're taking! It just cares that it's there and it's not going away! It's evil and cruel and a murderer of dreams, that MOCKS you constantly! It's like being stuck in a glass house, where you're forced to see all the potential of who you could be, if your body just wasn't made the way it was.
There are so many things I wish I could do! So many things I wish I could try and I can't! Not because I'm not strong enough, or because I didn't find a good enough way to do it, but because I simply can't! I'm tired of people not seeing that being disabled isn't a choice!! It's not that I haven't found a creative way to do something, or that I'm being dramatic! It's that my body literally won't let me! And in this push to be inspiring, people don't realize that they make you feel like you're incapable of finding your own way! This whole idea that we just have to keep finding the answers, because there must be ways to have it all work, instead of just accepting people for what they can do, is so wrong!
I just want to be good enough the way that I am. I'm trying so hard it's just so much. I am disabled. I am not limitless. I am not able bodied. I am defined by my disability. It forces me to live in it daily. There comes a time where people need to stop forcing this able bodied idea on disabled humans and calling it support. It's not. See me as I am. Respect my differences. Encourage me, while being sure that as an adult human, I know my own limits. I hope one day society allows me to be good enough, within those realistic limits.